Morbidity Repression

what's wierd is next to making myself feel better by tslking to my bubblegum online family,.in real life when I'm around my boyfriend and a few of my guyfriends (i hang out with guys mostly) especailly my 21 year old guy friends,..I feel happy,..^^ I feel like I can tell them anything, and espcailly my friend Rei ^^ her and I tell eachother everything, including our personal and sex life..we never have told anyone our darkest secrets besides eachother

Yes, I read it all in one sitting, Irk, hehe. I even turned off music so I could focus on it more.

No, your situation isn't exactly like mine, but thank you so much for sharing it. It does so much to know that I'm not alone..

Your story actually reminded me a bit of Stephanie. She's slightly OCD as well, especially with things like friendships, so I know what it's like. The difference is, she decided she wasn't going to take medicine. Because the OCD is very slight, she decided it would be a bad idea to depend on expensive medicine and work herself through it instead. And of course I'll be behind her every step of the way that she lets me.

I'm glad you found a good coping mechanism. I've thought about it a little.. and actually, I don't remember anything like this happening while I was still writing frequently.. at least on this scale.. it seems to just have gotten worse and worse. I'm hoping it can be stopped when I move in with Stephanie.. but I still have a whole semester before then, and at the rate I'm going, I don't think I can stand six more months. So.. if I need another creative release.. I should probably start writing again. If fiction doesn't work anymore.. well, it doesn't matter.. it's a release.. I just write whatever comes into my mind..

Anyway.. thanks... *huggles*

you're not alone guys! I try to live my life as positively as I can, and I try as hard as I can to focus my attention on happy things (some days are harder than others, which means I have to work harder at it). There are so many negative, bad, horrible things in our lives, in the world, in the media . . . I try not to think of this stuff, because I know that I would be an absolute wreck, my emotions are too high, my feelings too strong. I can actually feel sick if I let bad things bother me too much, especially the really bad, terrible, traumatic stuff that happens to other people - especially children. So, I will avoid some things - I hate the news, it's so negative. It's on in my house, and I'll sit in front of it, but I try to focus on other things. I don't read the newspaper. Mom is always critical of this, and she tells me that I need to be informed. Ok, so I should probably know more about the world, but if something really BIG happened, I'd probably find it out anyways, right?

I've also had a lot of personal 'bad' in my life - a lot of bad people, bad moods of people, bad situations. Although, I seem to be a very positive person by nature. Sure things will bother me, and yes they affect me, but I guess that I have had SO MUCH bad, that I just take that bad and turn it into something positive. That's when I get really riled up. ex. I'm gonna write a book about it, talk about it on tv one day, use it in some kind of positive outcome. I'm always overthinking things, especially deep things, and I'm always searching for meaning and lessons to be learned, and stuff like that.

Sometimes I have trouble sleeping too, not always, but I do sometimes, when I get in my thinking modes, I just think and think, and I can't turn it off. But that's when usually my best thoughts and ideas will come.

I had especially difficult times when I was a teenager. It started in grade 7. Grade 7 and grade 8 were probably the worst times of my life. Home life was bad, but mostly it was school. I had cruel teachers, and even meaner kids. It was so so hard. Then it just kept going like that - bad people, bad situations, ugh! It lasted until I was just nearing the end of being 16. I had all of these medical, and disability issues to deal with, on top of everything else. I began to question my life and my purpose, and had no idea what I was going to do, how I was going to keep on living. I never tried committing suicide, didn't even think of any ways to do it, but the thoughts were there. Then finally, it was like everything just switched in my mind. I guess you could say I had a gradual epifany. All of a sudden, everything made since, I was going to USE what I had, gather all of that bad, and actually use it to change the world. Even though I keep being faced with bad stuff, I still think of that using it for the positive, and it helps keep me focused.

So most of the time, I go through my days happy and content, which is ironic since I seem to have extremely bad luck. But my goals and ambitions, my strength, my courage - it keeps me going. However, no one is perfect. I break down, I've cried too many times to sleep at night to count, I have fights, I get misearable, I get angry, I get sad. I think it is important to do that. I think that emotion is good, and whatever emotion is had at the time, it's good to get it out. But I try not to let those destructive emotions, last too long for me. The harder I fall (and oh boy! have I fallen!), the harder it is to get myself back up, but man, what an adrenaline rush, when I've gotten back up. I made it! I rock!

Irk, I think that is a great idea for coping! I kind of do the same thing too. I used to write, a lot! but then I stopped, because things aren't really safe in this house, and privacy isn't much of a thing here either, so I worry that someone will find it, and read it. But, I still kind of go through the motions, in my head. It's like I'm writing, but I'm not. (It just comes naturally, that's good, because I plan on being a professional writter one day)

ok, holy cow! I think these are record breaking long posts! phew! : )

*nod* And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with realizing and understanding that things are bad enough to come to that, and it would indeed be dumb if you didn't. *hugs* So I'm glad you can understand that and be okay with taking the medicine

Part of it is that "if I say everything is okay, I can make myself believe everything is okay, and then everything really will be okay." .. So I try and force things to be okay, even when they're not..

I don't even know what I'm referring to, I just know I do that.. ^^;

I do cry a lot, actually. But the need to be primal is very great for everyone, and it could help me, too. Thank you for the advice Zuki-chan ^-^ *huggles*